Relationships can be deeply fulfilling but also incredibly complex. For some, the need for control in a relationship can take hold, often unintentionally damaging the connection they truly desire. Recent research I co-authored sheds light on why controlling behaviors occur and how they’re linked to emotional challenges and attachment patterns. This knowledge can be empowering for those seeking healthier, more balanced relationships.
Why Do Some People Use Control in Relationships?
Our study, Control in Intimate Relationships: An Exploration of Insecure Attachment Styles, Emotion Dysregulation, and Shame-Proneness (K. L. Walls, E. March, & J. Marrington, 2024), published in the Journal of Family Violence, found that controlling behaviors are often tied to insecure attachment styles:
Anxious attachment: People who fear abandonment may use control to keep their partner close, seeking constant reassurance.
Avoidant attachment: Those who struggle with intimacy may use control as a way to maintain emotional distance or avoid vulnerability.
These behaviors are not about being "bad" or "manipulative" but are often driven by deep-seated fears and unmet emotional needs.
The Role of Emotions in Controlling Behaviours
A key finding of our research was the impact of emotion dysregulation—the inability to manage or process strong emotions effectively. When emotions like fear, anger, or shame become overwhelming, controlling behaviors may emerge as an attempt to regain a sense of stability.
Interestingly, we also found that shame-proneness plays a complicated role. While shame can sometimes fuel harmful behaviors, it can also act as a protective factor when processed in a healthy way, encouraging reflection and change.
How This Understanding Can Help You
If you recognize patterns of control in your relationships—either in yourself or a partner—it’s important to know that change is possible. These behaviors are often rooted in emotional wounds and attachment insecurities that can be addressed in therapy.
Here are some approaches that can help:
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT): This therapy focuses on strengthening emotional bonds by addressing attachment insecurities.
Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) or Mindfulness-Based Therapies: These approaches help improve emotional regulation and reduce reactive behaviors.
Shame Resilience Work: Learning to process shame healthily can lead to greater self-compassion and better relationship dynamics. Various therapy approaches can be used to target this.
Safeguarding Yourself
While change is possible, no one should remain in a situation where they feel unsafe. If controlling behaviours escalate into emotional, physical, or coercive abuse, your safety must come first. If you are feeling unsafe in your relationship, seek support from trusted friends, family, and professional services.
If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic or family violence, help is available. You are not alone, and support services are here to assist you. Here are some immediate support options:
National Helplines (Australia)
1800 RESPECT: 1800 737 732 (24/7 confidential support, information, and counselling)
Lifeline: 13 11 14 (24/7 crisis support and suicide prevention)
MensLine Australia: 1300 78 99 78 (support for men, 24/7)
Kids Helpline: 1800 55 1800 (support for children and young people, 24/7)
State-Specific Helplines
DVConnect (QLD):
Women: 1800 811 811
Men: 1800 600 636
Safe Steps (VIC): 1800 015 188 (24/7 family violence support for women and children)
Domestic Violence Line (NSW): 1800 656 463
Women's DV Helpline (WA): 1800 007 339
Family Violence Counselling and Support Service (TAS): 1800 608 122
Daisy App: A free app connecting users to support services.
If in Immediate Danger
Call 000 (Australia’s emergency services).
Moving Toward Healthier Relationships
Understanding the roots of controlling behaviours is a vital first step toward creating healthier, more balanced relationships. Therapy provides a safe, nonjudgmental space to explore these patterns and develop new ways of relating to others.
Healthy relationships are built on trust, communication, and emotional safety—and it’s never too late to work toward these goals.
If you’re navigating challenges in your relationship or struggling with emotions that feel out of control, professional support can help you move toward healing and growth.
Therapy Support with Kylie Walls, Registered Psychologist
If you are navigating challenges in your relationships, recovering from the effects of DFV, or seeking support sensitive to your faith and values, professional help can make a difference.
As a registered psychologist, I offer compassionate, online therapy tailored to adults facing mental health challenges, relationship concerns, and experiences of trauma, including those with a spiritual or religious context. For those seeking religiously sensitive counselling, I provide a safe, nonjudgmental space where your beliefs and values are respected as we work together toward healing and hope.
Feel free to reach out for guidance and support as you take steps toward a healthier and safer future.
You can get int contact here: Contact Us | Curated Mind Psychology
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