Emily’s Story
Emily had been a devoted member of her church for years, finding purpose in serving alongside her pastor and trusting him as a spiritual guide. When she confided in him about personal struggles, including challenges in her marriage, he listened attentively, offering what seemed like genuine care. He suggested ongoing counselling sessions, reassuring her that these private meetings would help her find healing.
At first, Emily was grateful for his support. But as the sessions continued, subtle changes began to emerge. The pastor started making physical gestures—a tap on the back, a lingering hand on her shoulder—that felt slightly uncomfortable but were easily dismissed. Over time, his words took on a different tone. He spoke of the “unique bond” between a shepherd and his flock, leaning in closer during conversations and framing their relationship as something “special.”
As their interactions deepened, the pastor began blurring professional and spiritual boundaries. He started sharing personal struggles, creating a false sense of mutual vulnerability, and describing their connection as “God-ordained.” Emily felt a growing sense of unease, but his reassurances and spiritual language made her doubt her instincts. When he initiated more intimate physical gestures—such as holding her hand a little too long or embracing her tightly under the guise of comfort—Emily’s discomfort intensified.
Despite her inner alarm, she struggled to name what was happening. The pastor warned her not to share the details of their sessions with anyone, saying, “Others wouldn’t understand, and it could harm your relationship with God.” His manipulation deepened her isolation and eroded her confidence.
Eventually, the boundary crossing escalated, leaving Emily confused and ashamed. It wasn’t until she confided in a trusted friend that she began to understand the truth: this wasn’t pastoral care—it was grooming, leading to spiritual abuse.
Recognising the abuse marked a turning point for Emily. With support, she began reclaiming her faith and rebuilding her sense of self, finding strength to move forward and seek healing.
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What is Spiritual Abuse & Adult Clergy Sexual Abuse?
Spiritual abuse can be defined as the manipulation and control exerted over individuals through religious authority. It often manifests in various forms, from coercive leadership tactics to undermining personal beliefs for the leader’s gain.
One form of spiritual abuse is adult clergy sexual abuse, which involves inappropriate sexual conduct or exploitation by a religious leader toward an adult congregant or member of the faith community. The significant power imbalance allows the spiritual leader to leverage their spiritual authority to manipulate and coerce the individual into a sexual relationship, or into a situation where they compromise their ethical or moral standards. This abuse is fostered by various forms of often subtle coercion, including grooming behaviours, emotional manipulation, and breaches of trust, leading victims to feel confused, ashamed, and isolated.
It is important to clarify that adult clergy sexual abuse is not an affair. An affair implies mutual consent and equal power dynamics, whereas clergy abuse involves a significant imbalance of power, trust, and influence. A person in a position of spiritual authority cannot claim the relationship was consensual, as their authority inherently compromises the victim's ability to freely give or withhold consent, making the relationship exploitative and abusive.
The impact of spiritual abuse and adult clergy sexual abuse can lead to a breakdown of trust in both faith and community, causing emotional and psychological distress.
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Core Elements of Spiritual Abuse
Understanding the core elements of spiritual abuse is essential for recognizing its impact. David J. Ward (2011) identifies six key themes that frequently emerge in narratives of those who have experienced spiritual abuse:
Abuse of Power: Clergy exploit their position of authority to manipulate and control the victim, creating a power imbalance that affects consent.
Grooming: Gradual manipulation to build trust, emotional dependence, and an inappropriate bond, often through flattery or special attention.
Boundary Crossing: Inappropriate physical or emotional behaviour, such as excessive closeness or personal sharing, blurring professional and personal lines.
Emotional Manipulation: Exploiting the victim's vulnerabilities, using guilt, shame, or fear to control, often justified with religious language.
Secrecy and Isolation: Encouraging secrecy and isolating the victim from support, warning of spiritual or personal consequences if they speak out.
Exploitation of Trust: Betraying the trust placed in them as a spiritual guide, undermining the victim’s sense of safety in the faith community.
Psychological and Spiritual Harm: Victims experience lasting trauma, including confusion, guilt, anxiety, and a loss of faith or spiritual disillusionment.
Reinforcing Dependence: Creating emotional or spiritual dependence, making the victim feel they cannot find support outside of the abuser’s influence.
Spiritual Justification: Using religious teachings or language to rationalise or excuse abusive behaviour, making the victim feel spiritually obligated to comply.
Manipulation of Vulnerabilities: Leaders may exploit the emotional struggles of followers to maintain control.
As a result of experiencing these things, victims often struggle with trust, depression, anxiety, and challenges in rebuilding their faith and sense of self.
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Leadership Characteristics Common in Spiritual Abuse
Certain leadership traits foster toxic environments that enable spiritual abuse. Abusive leaders often assert their authority with statements like, “I hold the authority” or “You must obey my commands, no questions asked!” (McKay, 2023). Unlike biblical leaders, who derive authority from God, spiritually abusive leaders rely on their positions to manipulate followers.
Spiritual leaders who perpetrate adult clergy sexual abuse may have the following characteristics:
Leaders who perpetrate adult clergy sexual abuse often exhibit several distinct characteristics, including:
Charismatic and Persuasive: Many abusive leaders possess a strong charisma that draws individuals in, often making them seem trustworthy and compassionate.
Authoritarian Leadership Style: They may adopt an authoritarian approach, demanding obedience and discouraging questioning, which reinforces their power over congregants. They may encourage congregants to seek their opinion in making decisions and regularly engage in “counselling”, or “mentoring” that leads to followers becoming dependent on them for guidance and reassurance.
Grooming Behaviour: These leaders may engage in grooming practices, gradually building trust and intimacy with their victims while isolating them from others. This can include forming a seemingly close relationship with the victim and referring to it in ways that create confusion, such as calling them a “special friend.” They may isolate the victim by devaluing the support of others and elevating their own role as indispensable.
Tactics often involve flattery and compliments, such as telling followers they are “specially chosen for a particular mission.” Leaders may also use emotional manipulation, exploiting the victim’s vulnerabilities or exacerbating feelings of guilt or fear. This can create an emotional bond that might be mistaken for sexual attraction.
Grooming typically involves gradual desensitisation, where inappropriate behaviours are introduced incrementally until they become normalised for the victim. This process diminishes the victim’s ability to recognise when boundaries have been crossed.
Manipulative Tactics: They often use manipulation to exploit the vulnerabilities of their victims, such as emotional dependence or spiritual confusion.
Lack of Accountability: Abusive leaders frequently operate without oversight, avoiding accountability for their actions, which can embolden them to engage in exploitative behaviours.
Distorted Theology: They may twist religious teachings to justify their actions, presenting inappropriate relationships as spiritual or beneficial.
Inconsistent Behaviour: These individuals may appear moral or devout publicly, yet their private actions often contradict this image, revealing a lack of integrity. Their behaviour may shift depending on the situation, leaving victims questioning themselves and doubting their own perceptions.
Boundary Issues: These leaders typically struggle with establishing appropriate boundaries, often blurring the lines between spiritual guidance and personal relationships.
Desire for Control: A strong desire to control and dominate others often motivates their actions, viewing congregants more as objects for fulfilment rather than individuals deserving respect.
Victim-Blaming: When confronted, they may shift blame onto victims, portraying them as complicit or responsible for the abuse, further manipulating the narrative to maintain their power.
Using the System and People Within it to Support Them: In cases of spiritual abuse, leaders often hand-pick individuals within the system to carry out actions that uphold their authority and agenda, reinforcing control and silencing dissent.
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Seeking Help for Adult Clergy Sexual Abuse
If you resonate with Emily’s story, seeking help is an important step towards healing. Here are some tailored steps to begin your recovery:
Educate Yourself: Understanding the dynamics of adult clergy sexual abuse is crucial. Learn about grooming, boundary crossing, and the manipulation that occurs within these abusive relationships.
Support Groups: Consider joining a support group specifically for survivors of clergy abuse. Sharing your experiences with others who understand can provide validation, solidarity, and a sense of community.
Engage in Self-Reflection: Take time to process your feelings and experiences. Journaling or personal reflection can help you explore your emotions in a safe, private space and aid in your healing journey.
Establish Healthy Boundaries: Rebuilding your sense of autonomy starts with setting and maintaining clear boundaries. Practise asserting your boundaries in relationships, particularly with authority figures, to regain a sense of control and self-worth.
Seek Professional Support: Professional therapy can provide a safe space to explore your trauma, validate your feelings, and address the emotional and psychological impact of clergy sexual abuse. A therapist experienced in trauma can help guide your healing process.
Kylie Walls is a registered psychologist at Curated Mind Psychology, offering compassionate, tailored online support for adults navigating mental health challenges, interpersonal difficulties, and faith-related experiences, including spiritual abuse. Kylie identifies as having Christian faith and is available to those seeking counselling with someone who shares a similar faith background. However, she is available to support those of all faiths and backgrounds. She is dedicated to helping clients heal, rebuild, and move forward with hope. You can get int contact here: Contact Us | Curated Mind Psychology
References:
Ward, D. J. (2011). The lived experience of spiritual abuse. Mental Health, Religion & Culture, 14(9), 899-915.
McKay, E. (2023). Comprehending the Effects of Spiritual Abuse.
Disclaimer: The story presented in this article is a fictional narrative created for illustrative purposes. It is not based on any specific individuals or events. The aim is to raise awareness about the dynamics of spiritual abuse and clergy sexual abuse, and to provide insight into the experiences of those who may face such challenges.
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