Maryanne and Fred’s relationship began with excitement and shared dreams. They met at a church camp, bonded over their shared faith, and envisioned a future of shared goals and values. Fred seemed deeply committed, often speaking about trust, respect, and a marriage built on mutual understanding.
Yet, even in the early days, Maryanne noticed small behaviours that left her unsettled. Fred frequently asked her to share her location and who she was with, claiming, “I just want to make sure you’re safe.” He criticised her choice of friends and clothing, suggesting they didn’t align with his values. When Maryanne expressed hesitation, Fred would assure her, “I only want the best for us.”
After their wedding, Fred’s behaviours escalated. He began reading Maryanne’s messages, controlling her finances, and limiting her contact with family and friends. He framed these actions as part of his responsibility as the “spiritual leader” of their home. He encouraged her to quit her job and made increasing demands on her around the house. Arguments often ended with Fred accusing Maryanne of being “unsubmissive” or “disrespectful,” sometimes quoting scripture to justify his actions. The relationship became an “invisible cage,” where Maryanne’s autonomy, choices, and connections to the outside world were slowly eroded.
Coercive Control: An Invisible Cage
Coercive control is a fundamental component of intimate partner violence (IPV), involving a pervasive pattern of intimidating, controlling, and isolating behaviours designed to constrain the victim. These actions create what researchers describe as an “invisible cage,” systematically isolating the victim from support networks, alienating them, and eroding their sense of autonomy (Duron et al., 2021).
Behaviours associated with coercive control include:
Excessive Monitoring – Your partner demands to know your whereabouts or who you’re with, claiming it’s out of concern for your safety.
Criticism, sometimes framed as Concern – They criticise your clothing, friends, or decisions, presenting it as guidance for your benefit.
Restricting Independence – They discourage or prevent you from spending time with loved ones or pursuing personal interests.
Using Shared Values to Justify Control – Faith, tradition, or shared beliefs are manipulated to enforce rigid expectations, such as obedience without mutual respect.
Blame Shifting – They insist their controlling behaviours are your fault, saying things like, “I wouldn’t have to act this way if you listened to me.”
Isolation – Over time, they create distance between you and your support systems, leaving you increasingly dependent on them.
Escalating Behaviour Post-Commitment - Behaviour gets worse after significant milestones.
Jealousy: Constant monitoring driven by possessiveness.
Manipulation: Twisting facts to maintain dominance. This may include twisting scriptures to justify control.
Rituals of Degradation: Actions that deliberately shame or embarrass you, making you feel small or worthless.
The psychological impact of coercive control can be devastating, often leading to depression, anxiety, PTSD, and suicidal ideation (Williamson, 2010). The ripple effects can include social isolation, job loss, homelessness, and poverty (Park, 2016).
Why Coercive Control Happens
Coercive control is not simply about anger or misunderstanding; it’s a deliberate attempt to dominate. Research suggests that attachment theory provides insight into its roots, as individuals with insecure attachment styles—marked by fear of abandonment or unmet needs—may attempt to control their partner to maintain a sense of security (Bowlby, 1969). Additionally, coercive control can stem from narcissistic tendencies, where a need for superiority drives manipulation, or insecurity, where fear of abandonment leads to controlling behaviours. It can also arise from learned behaviours, where individuals replicate patterns from their upbringing, or from a desire for power, where controlling a partner helps restore a sense of stability and control in their own life. This doesn’t excuse abusive behaviour but underscores its complex origins. Understanding these patterns is crucial for addressing the issue and supporting both victims and perpetrators in seeking help.
Coercive control is dangerous because it gradually isolates the victim, erodes their autonomy, and undermines their sense of self-worth, leading to a growing dependency on the perpetrator. Over time, the controlling behaviours may escalate, sometimes contributing to the risk of physical violence as the perpetrator seeks to maintain power. The victim can experience significant psychological harm, such as anxiety, depression, and PTSD, while also facing financial instability or physical harm. As the control intensifies, the victim’s ability to seek help or escape becomes increasingly difficult, as they become more isolated and feel increasingly powerless.
Noticing Early Signs of Coercive Control in Relationships Can Save a Lot of Heart-Ache
When red flags emerge in a relationship, it’s important to act early. Many people hesitate to seek help, often downplaying concerning behaviours. Unfortunately, relational dynamics rarely improve after marriage, and coercive control and emotional abuse tend to escalate over time. Therefore, the sooner you recognise these warning signs, the easier it can be to regain your sense of autonomy and prevent further harm. Early intervention, such as seeking professional support or talking to trusted individuals, can provide the guidance and clarity needed to discern if a relationship has the potential to become increasingly destructive. No one deserves to feel controlled, manipulated, or unsafe in a relationship, and there are resources available to support you.
Here are 10 early signs that may indicate coercive control or emotionally abusive behaviours:
• Your partner monitors your whereabouts, communications, or activities.
• You feel increasingly isolated from friends, family, or other support networks.
• Subtle belittling or dismissing of your opinions, feelings, or needs.
• You are made to feel guilty for setting boundaries or asserting yourself.
• Your partner undermines your self-esteem, constantly making you feel "less than."
• You are constantly walking on eggshells, afraid of triggering an outburst or anger.
• You’re made to feel responsible for your partner’s emotions or reactions.
• You feel fearful, or there is any threat of physical harm.
• Your partner tries to manipulate your perception of reality, making you doubt your own judgment.
• Other people in your life raise concerns about your partner's behaviours.
If you recognise any of these signs in your relationship, it is essential to seek support right away.
What to Do If You Notice Coercive Controlling Behaviours
If you're experiencing coercive control or emotional abuse, it’s important to reach out to friends and family for support. Sharing your concerns with trusted people can help you feel less isolated and validate your feelings. However, it’s also essential to be aware that those close to you may not always understand the dynamics of coercive control or emotional abuse. They might minimise your experiences, suggest that things will improve, or not know how to offer the right kind of support. This can leave you feeling further trapped in the situation.
While reaching out to loved ones is important, it is strongly advised to seek professional help from a counsellor or psychologist, or a specialised support service. A trained professional can provide the necessary insight and objectivity to help you recognise the signs of coercive control and abusive behaviour while offering strategies to regain your autonomy and safety. They can help you make sense of the emotional and psychological impact of the situation and guide you through the steps to break free from the cycle of control. There are other options to seek support below.
Seeking Freedom from the “Invisible Cage”
As seen in the story, small red flags that are ignored can quickly escalate into more damaging patterns. The earlier you seek professional help, the easier it will be to understand the situation, break free from the isolation, and begin the journey toward healing. Without intervention, these behaviours can form an "invisible cage" around you, gradually limiting your freedom, eroding your sense of self, and cutting off your support networks. You don’t have to face this alone—there is support available to help you regain control and find a path to safety and recovery.
If you or someone you know is experiencing coercive control or emotional abuse, it’s important to seek support. Kylie Walls, a registered Psychologist at Curated Mind Psychology, offers compassionate and professional care for those navigating difficult relationships and seeking to reclaim their autonomy and well-being. As a psychologist with an understanding of Christian faith and values, Kylie can provide support for individuals seeking guidance on the unique dynamics that can arise within Christian or religious relationships and communities. With a focus on supporting individuals in overcoming trauma and finding paths toward healing, Kylie provides a safe, non-judgmental space for clients to address these challenges.
Feel free to reach out for guidance and support as you take steps toward a healthier and safer future.
You can get int contact here: Contact Us | Curated Mind Psychology
Here are some domestic violence specific supports:
1800RESPECT - National Sexual Assault, Domestic and Family Violence Counselling Service – 1800 737 732. Available 24/7 for confidential support.
Domestic Violence Crisis Service – 02 8745 6999. Specialist support for individuals facing domestic violence in New South Wales, offering emergency assistance and ongoing support.
Women's Legal Service – 1800 816 149. Free legal advice and support for women experiencing domestic violence, including family law matters.
MensLine Australia – 1300 78 99 78. A national counselling service for men concerned about their behaviour or experiencing family violence.
National Disability Abuse and Neglect Hotline – 1800 880 052. Support and reporting options for individuals with disabilities experiencing abuse or neglect.
State-Specific Services:
Domestic Violence Victoria (DV Vic) – 1800 015 188. Provides resources and support for people affected by domestic violence in Victoria.
Queensland Domestic Violence Support Services – DVConnect 1800 811 811 (Women), 1800 600 636 (Men). Provides emergency accommodation and support services for those experiencing domestic violence in Queensland.
NSW Domestic Violence Line – 1800 656 463. The NSW Domestic Violence Line provides confidential, 24/7 support and information for people affected by domestic violence.
Domestic Violence South Australia – 1800 800 098. Provides crisis support and resources for individuals in South Australia.
Tasmanian Women's Legal Service – 1800 682 468. Provides legal advice and support to women experiencing domestic violence in Tasmania.
Family Violence Legal Service (FVLS) – 1800 105 303. Provides legal advice and support for people experiencing family violence in Western Australia.
ACT Domestic Violence Crisis Service – 02 6280 0900. Offers support for those affected by domestic violence in the Australian Capital Territory.
Northern Territory Domestic Violence Hotline – 1800 700 250. Support services for those in the Northern Territory facing domestic violence.
References
Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and loss: Volume I: Attachment. Basic Books.
Duron, K., Hudson, S., & Goodman, L. (2021). Coercive control: An invisible cage. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 36(21-22), 10233-10255. https://doi.org/10.1177/0886260520916794
Park, H. (2016). The financial consequences of coercive control. Journal of Family and Economic Issues, 37(2), 255-267. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10834-015-9486-4
Williamson, E. (2010). Living in the shadows: Women and coercive control. Routledge.
Disclaimer: The story provided is an example only, and does not describe a specific client or person. Some of the information we provide on our website may be information related to health and medical issues, but it's not meant to be health and medical "advice". We provide this information for your general use only. While we try to provide accurate information, it may be historical, incomplete information or based on opinions that aren't widely held. Your personal situation has not been considered when providing the information, so any reliance on this information is at your sole risk. We recommend seeking independent professional advice before relying on the information we provide. Find the full terms of service here: Terms of Service | Curated Mind Psych.
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